Dealing with the grief of physical decline

Grief is a normal part of life. At some point, almost everyone experiences grief from losing a friend or family member. While the emotional and physical pain can feel debilitating, over time, it usually can be managed as people work through the natural process of grieving.

However, another source of grief that may be harder to cope with is something that nearly all men confront: physical decline. “There comes a time when men can no longer run as fast or far as before, hike trails with ease, or play sports at the same skill level or intensity,” says Dr. Susan Block, professor of psychiatry and medicine with the Department of Psychosocial Oncology and Palliative Care at Harvard-affiliated Brigham and Women’s Hospital. “They will also have less endurance and need more time to recover. Whether due to aging, injury, or health issues, when the body can no longer perform like it once did, men can experience bouts of grief as they try to confront this new reality.”

Type of loss

Physical decline is a type of tangible loss. “You can feel this kind of loss practically every day, as the body reminds you that you can’t do everything you once did, and the change feels permanent,” says Dr. Block.

In comparison, an intangible loss is the kind you feel from losing someone. “It’s a loss that can’t be seen or touched, so there’s not always a constant reminder like with a tangible one,” says Dr. Block.

In many ways, a tangible loss like physical decline is especially hard on men, as being strong and active is part of their identity. “A man can feel discombobulated about who he is now and what the future holds, and he may long for the past,” says Dr. Block. “This constant ruminating can lead to prolonged bouts of sadness and isolation that, if not dealt with, can quickly progress into depression.”

Managing grief

There are many ways men can manage grief caused by physical decline. What’s important is to confront the issue head-on. “Men have the power to deal with the issues that contribute to their grief,” says Dr. Block. “By acknowledging diminishing strength, men can give themselves room to grieve and grief can pave the way for new adaptations that can be healing and healthy.” Here are some strategies that can help.

Change your mindset. Make peace with the fact that you have aged. “Change is a part of life, so don’t fight it,” says Dr. Block. “Yes, it’s painful and frustrating to deal with an aging body, but focus on accepting physical changes as a new chapter in your life, not the end of the story.”

Focus on the now. Instead of dwelling on what you can’t do, focus on what you can. Dr. Block says this is similar to a violinist who breaks a string mid-song, and instead of stopping, they adjust their playing to accommodate the now three-string instrument. “You can still accomplish a lot working with what you have,” she says.

Adjust your goals. Enduring physical decline doesn’t mean you can’t stay active. You simply must adjust. “If you can no longer run marathons, that doesn’t mean you have to stop running,” says Dr. Block. “You could walk or run a half marathon or take up speed walking.” Apply this strategy to other endeavors you enjoy. Is tennis too hard on your knees? Play pickleball instead. Balance issues make cycling a risk? Switch to a stationary or recumbent bike. “There are many things that you can continue doing with some planning and modification,” says Dr. Block.

Talk about it. While therapy and counseling can help men talk about their grief from physical decline, most people don’t need professional help to address these issues, according to Dr. Block. “Start by reaching out to your friends,” she says. “Consider whether you feel more comfortable talking one-on one, or in a group.”

You will probably need to bring up this topic, but if you are with peers, it is highly likely that they are experiencing some version of the same losses. “Most will be grateful that someone else brought it up,” says Dr. Block.

If you already have a group of friends, take the initiative and schedule a get-together. “Sometimes a regular get-together for coffee or lunch can provide both companionship and a setting for conversation,” says Dr. Block. “Eventually, chats may lead to discussions about individual health issues, which can open dialogues and sharing about grief and coping.”

Image: © SolStock/Getty Images